Alone Together: The Quiet Cost of Individualism

July 4th typically draws a bigger crowd. I know as Black people, our independence day is Juneteenth. I remember those in Texas, Galveston to be exact that didn’t know they were free. I celebrate their freedom. Because of them, I am free. I am forever grateful for my ancestors.

Some choose to celebrate the 4th while others don’t. The choice is definitely up to them. However, my family as many others use the 4th as a time to come together.

Holidays are a big item in my family. Matter of fact, any excuse to get together is a big deal. It’s a time to see those we haven’t seen in months or years. To reminisce, to share, to laugh, to eat, and be grateful that elders are still present. It’s a time for all to live, laugh, and love. Yes, that part can be found on a wood panel at your local TJ Maxx or Ross but the statement is true. Spending time with family can have great effects on your life but that’s not what I want to discuss.

What I noticed on the 4th is that the crowd wasn’t as big as it used to be. There are a number of factors on why. For starters, people have families of their own. Instead of packing up the kids and suitcases. People opt-out and decide to stay home and make their own traditions with their immediate family.

Secondly, the cost. Everything has gone up. No longer can you buy food and clothing at a discount price. Buying basic, everyday necessities burns a hole in your wallet. Even the marked down items need to be marked down a little bit more. The thought of adding a trip to your budget is a no-go for many people.

Lastly, the rise of social media. Social media gives us access to people’s lives. It makes us feel like we know what a person is feeling, thinking, or going through based on their posts. We can click on someone’s profile to see how they're doing, how the kids are, whether they’re still married or not, and what company they work for. It’s a tool to help us stay connected with everyone yet we really don’t know who we’re following. There’s no need to call, text, or visit people because we can look at their profiles to “catch up.” For some time, checking people’s profiles to see what they’re up to didn’t bother me but now it does.

It’s something about those 30s. While I was 29, I had someone tell me how everything changes when you turn 30. I held onto that statement till my birthday. 30 came and everything changed. Now some years later and stuff is still changing. It does not stop! That everything consists of so much-health, jobs, family, friends, relationships, food, etc. The one thing that shocked me the most was the changes in my relationships. People I was close to, we don’t talk anymore. I stopped being the first to reach out and to plan get togethers and now…crickets. You do your best to move on and seek other things to occupy your time.

After much self-reflection, I realized I carried some of the blame in the demise of my relationships. Other factors such as career changes, moving to another city/state, marriage, having children all play a major role in changes in relationships. As well as outgrowing the relationship. Communication is scarce due to the fact that your mindset has changed. You’ve outgrown the beliefs you had since you were a child and that alone can cause changes in relationships. Part of my self-reflection dealt with how society views the different types of relationships. I believe that’s where the rest of the blame is - society’s obsession with individualism.

“Individualism advocates that the individual is primary and the state secondary. In this doctrine, self-reliance and individual freedom take precedence over the interests of the institution, society, cultural group, or the state.”

Based on the definition, individualism doesn’t seem that bad of an idea. The individual is first and everything else is second. The individual has a sense of self-reliance and freedom over the interests of society, institutions, and cultural groups in pursuit of personal achievement. It’s my thoughts, ideals, and needs that are primary over group needs. Everything else is second.

But how does an individualistic person have genuine and healthy relationships outside of themselves when their needs are primary? How do they be present and engage with others, with society, with culture? How does an “I” become a part of “WE”?

I always think of myself first. But I’ve learned the importance of community and how it shapes you. If you attend school, have a job, go to the grocery store, etc. you are surrounded by people. Those types of interactions, for the most part, are not who we would consider friends. It’s more along the line of acquaintances, especially at school and in the workplace. However, there is a form of communication that is needed to be present. Face-to-face, asking questions, reaching out, planning get-togethers, etc. These are all needed and more to create a community. Yet with individualism, community is not as important.

There are several ways that individualism might lead to disconnection such as:

1.Less dependence on community - form of digital substitute for connection

Individualism might lead to disconnection through less dependence on community. With the use of technology and economic independence, people don’t need others for support or survival. Like I mentioned before, social media allows us to check-in on people without talking to them. Technology reduces one's motivation to form a community. As well as allows for individual expression and virtual interaction, which can make in-person socializing feel less necessary or appealing. What’s the point of calling someone when you can just click on their profile? If I can see your day-to-day life online, why would I ask you about it once we’re in-person? What’s the point?

2. Privacy as Core Values

Privacy is the second factor. Being a private person and wanting to keep things to yourself is great. It’s smart because many people do not have your best interest at heart. The downside is that private people avoid social engagement in order to protect their personal space. I believe there should be a balance in these types of situations. Everyone doesn’t need to know every single detail of your life yet you can’t be upset when people don’t know who you are.

3. Fear of Obligation

Lastly, fear of obligation. Birthdays, weddings, funerals, new jobs, moving, heartbreak, etc. all require you to be present. It’s a giving up of oneself and it can be inconvenient. Certain events can be scheduled but things such as death, breakups, and terminations, can come as a surprise. While being a part of a community, you’ll have to be there for those who need you. It’s very easy to avoid these obligations but there are expectations within communities, even those unspoken.

A question I’d genuinely like an answer to is: How important is community to you?

Yes, other factors play a role in our disconnection such as work, mental health challenges, and the loss of our communal spaces such as churches, clubs, and other organizations where we can meet people in-person. However, individualism plays a major role in why people don’t come together as they used to.

Our grandparents and parents did a wonderful job of getting family and friends together. Everyone contributed the best way they could. If they didn’t cook, they brought food. If they didn’t help set up, they helped clean. That spirit seems like a lost cause for our generation.

Holidays aren’t the same anymore mainly because we’re the new adults. We’re juggling so much, all while navigating a chaotic political climate. Honestly, many of us don’t know what we’re doing.

But that’s exactly where community comes in.

Individualism is a powerful tool for focusing on your own needs and goals. But let’s not forget that being part of a community can provide the support you need to achieve those goals.